


my stars align with yours

by zaradrinkscoffee



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Badass Katara (Avatar), Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Katara (Avatar)-centric, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Not Canon Compliant, Slow Burn, Soft Zuko (Avatar), Unrequited Love, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, Zuko is an Awkward Turtleduck, a little bit of mystery for you, katara & suki friendship that was wasted in the show!, slowburn, that may or may not be good
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:35:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,474
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27671455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zaradrinkscoffee/pseuds/zaradrinkscoffee
Summary: The moon doesn't hate the sun and likewise; they just understand each other, and the stars are innocent bystanders watching the show.Katara had always dreamed that after the war, she'd do whatever she wanted. She was free to carve out her destiny with her own two hands, throwing in the people and the things that made her happiest. She wouldn't be lonely anymore.Dreams aren't always a reality, but they can be.Katara gives everything she can to everyone she meets, but who will give everything to her?(my take on Slowburn Zutara after the Hundred-Year War)
Relationships: Katara & Zuko (Avatar), Katara/Aang at the beginning, Katara/Zuko (Avatar), Sokka/Suki (Avatar)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 29





	1. the warmth of the sun

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! i know you are probably tired of slowburn zutara fics now but if you aren't, here's another.
> 
> i've been so bored and i've also rewatched ATLA and LOK recently and i just didnt like what Katara was made into after the series. this takes place like four years after the series. i'm in no way a good writer, but i hope this is atleast somewhat enjoyable to read. there's also some mystery at the beginning that'll be discovered in the story later, and i really hope it's not obvious or awkwardly placed. i would love to hear all of your thoughts and feedback on this chapter!!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katara and Suki arrive in Caldera City, and Katara reunites with Zuko after four years.

The sun is tempted to dip down into the horizon, but it's holding on, just barely, painting the sky above with ethereal pinks and oranges that are native to the Fire Nation. Katara rarely compares herself to the sun - she's a waterbender and has inevitably always been drawn to the moon, to Yue, to the dark night.

Even when she was younger, she recalls a natural connection to the moon (and a deep-rooted hatred of the sun).

Although she was yet to be trained, Katara always remembers feeling untreated power coursing through her veins during the teeth-chattering freezing nights that she remembers so clearly, when she and Sokka would stick to each other and share a thin piece of cloth to keep warm while they let their igloo's warm blanket be kept by Gran-Gran. They would talk and crack jokes, just the two of them, because there was never anyone else. They always sat where they used to sit with their mother when they were younger - the area in the small igloo furthest from the cold, backs pressed against the icy wall for support.

They sat there every night, half because of practicality but half because of nostalgia. 

Sokka would always fall asleep first, and she would wrap him in the cloth before heading outside. Everyone would be asleep, leaving only the biting winds of the South Pole to barge through the igloo and rip through Katara's ears. She knew Sokka and Gran-Gran would be right there, but she still felt alone.

The nights always left her feeling alone. Lonely. Forgotten. Abandoned. 

And in the freezing darkness (because there was no light - the fire would've gone out hours ago, and the tribe had limited spark rocks that Katara would never waste just on herself), she would shiver, her arms pressing against her chest in an effort to conserve the heat.

It was now that she'd guiltily miss the sun, the light, the warmth. 

Sometimes, she'd see the ghost of her mother, sitting exactly where she used to sit when she was still alive, her face bright and spirited in spite of the tired bags under her eyes.

That's when Katara wouldn't be able to stay in the tent any longer. So she'd finally heed the calls of the moon. 

She'd always imagine that the moon must be lonely too, having no waterbenders to call except her. The sole waterbender of the Southern Water Tribe. 

But it was okay, because that was the only time she was truly allowed to be free. Her skillful hands, kind smiles, endless chores, and compassionate personality could be abandoned back at the village, compromised of so few igloos it appeared to be more of a campsite and less like the capital of the Southern Water Tribe, once a beautiful, populated, and sophisticated city with buildings of ice and master waterbenders for miles. Katara would run to the cliff nearest to their village, sit at the edge with her legs dangling off and the moon shining in the sky. She would practice pulling orbs of water out of the ocean (and mainly failing) or pushing and pulling the waves (or as she called it, "streaming the water"). It wasn't much, but it was the most relaxing part of Katara's day and was the closest she would ever feel to her element back then. 

Things have changed since then, Katara thinks, absentmindedly twirling water she'd pulled from the humidity of the salty sea air around her fingers. She would never even think to compare herself to the sun when she was little - the evil firebenders that waged war on the world and turned her mother into a burnt corpse and pulled her father away from the tribe would pull their strength straight from Agni.

But now, things have changed. Now, the world is at peace, and one of her favorite people in the world is powered by the sun. So, it's fine. She sympathizes and relates with the sun that desperately wants to disappear until tomorrow, but it still perseveres. For now. 

Like her, in a way. 

The burning Fire Nation summer temperature feels as though it is going to wriggle into Katara's skin and grill it until it's cooked. Her long-sleeve Southern-style blue robe doesn't fare too well in this heat, but it's all she feels okay wearing. Normally, she'd have changed into one of her airy Fire Nation halter tops and and cropped bottoms by now, but not today. Not anymore. 

She feels a warm hand squeeze her own, not having to even to glance to the side in order to see who it is. The older girl doesn't speak for the first few minutes, she's been trying to talk to Katara for days, and Katara never gives a competent response.

Suki has finally given up for now, understanding that all Katara needs at the moment is silent solidarity, and for that, Katara is thankful. Aang wouldn't have even listened to her answer, he'd just come up with the reply his picture-perfect version of Katara would supposedly want to hear (something he had consistently done for the first two years of their relationship, before Katara gave up on confiding in her own boyfriend). Sokka would keep pestering her with over-protective big brother worry, begging her to cave in and spill to him, and Toph would smell Katara's lies and confusion and call her out.

Zuko, well, he would be exactly what Katara needed usually. He'd listen to her with his full attention and even though he's awkward more often then not, he wouldn't be in that moment, because he would understand her, like really understand her.

Sometimes it feels like he gets her better then she gets herself. Like he had during the trip they took to find her mother's killer. That was really the first time Katara felt accepted as an entire person, deep, dark flaws and all. She never fails to recall Zuko's immediate acceptance of her bloodbending back when she herself was scared of it, and she still remembers the words he had said to her after: " _Don't feel bad about it, Katara. Doing something that feels wrong doesn't mean you're a monster. He deserved it._ " He hadn't acted like it was something that had no reason to feel wrong, and that she was being irrational (because she _wasn't_ ). He recognized what it was and just accepted her. 

So he'd say the right thing, always. But unfortunately, Zuko was the one person Katara couldn't lean on for comfort in this case. 

But Suki, her soul sister (and soon-to-be real sister); Sokka proposed to her before they left the Southern Water Tribe two weeks ago, and Suki had obviously said yes, giddily), she was someone Katara could always count on for comfort or hugs or whatever she needed. Katara had never had a girlfriend before - all she'd had were sweet boys and _Toph_ , so she was incredibly excited when Suki had come to join their gang. She had found herself confiding and laughing with Suki every night leading up to the comet inside the safety of their shared tent, and Suki would return with feelings and hopes and doubts of her own. 

She would tell Suki fears that she had trouble admitting even to herself. Like how terrified she felt every night because she was scared that one of them might not come back from the final fight. 

It was only during those late nights with Suki that Katara would feel safe enough to talk about how she thinks she might not be in love with Aang. How she hated his immaturity and lack of responsibility. How she despised his tendency to run away whenever things get a little hard, leaving her abandoned. Just like she always is. And how she was selfishly glad that Aang's chakra is blocked because atleast she would get a break from being the only one who could calm him down and control him whenever he threw his cosmic-scale elemental tantrums. 

Sokka and Toph wouldn't understand.

Aang wouldn't even want to. 

Zuko would, he always does, but for some reason, Katara felt as though she couldn't talk to him about this. Which was really, really strange, if she'd given it alot of thought (which she had). But she didn't have him, not for this.

Not because he didn't understand every part of her soul, like he had read the words written beneath her flesh.

Not because he couldn't understand, but because she didn't let him. 

She thinks about that a lot, how even in Ba Sing Se, he'd understood her in a way no one ever had. It's like someone had finally _seen_ her for the first time. 

She'd thought about that at the Western Air Temple too. She'd remembered that feeling, how much of her soul Zuko had stolen when he betrayed her. How deep it cut. 

But by that time, she hadn't allowed him to understand her. She'd kept herself a locked and awfully mean box whenever she was around him, even after he had gone with Sokka to break her father and Suki out of prison. She hadn't ever shown weakness or vulnerability for fear of him stealing more parts of her soul whenever he chose. She couldn't have him understand her because it would be too hard. 

_He'd still figured out a way, even back then,_ Katara's subconscious screams as her mind darts back to the worst but much-needed trip that she'd ever taken. It was where she finally had space to let go of the motherly persona she'd built with the others and let herself cry and _feel_.

The long-overdue grief was free to escape the tiny bottle she'd been housing it in, unleashing in a terrifying manner as a result of being built up in her bones for the past six years. She could feel the grief in the corners of her eyes, through her chest, in her fingertips. She wondered if the Southern Raiders soldiers and leaders and retired leaders could sense the grief in the water she was bending, because she could. 

And it was horrible, yes, but it was also much-needed catharsis. It was what Katara needed to, no, not forget her mother or let go of her sadness - but to come to terms with it, accept what happened, and let go of the deeply gutted grief that had all but consumed her. _All because of him._

She lets out an overdue sigh. "Isn't it weird that I'm more worried of Zuko's reaction than Aang's?"

Suki is a left little surprised, not only at Katara's sudden question but at what she was asking. She blinks, licking her lips thoughtfully and trying to come up with an appropriate response. "Maybe." She almost says more, but her eyes widen and put a halt to the short-lived conversation. "Kat, we're almost there." 

Katara nods wordlessly, her blood turning cold despite the heat and her stomach churning like the inner-schematics of war machinery. 

It's not that she's not excited to be in Caldera, reunite with Zuko, and attend his twentieth birthday celebration. Katara knows herself that Zuko isn't the biggest fan of birthday celebrations and that it was probably planned by someone else, but her thoughts were confirmed by Zuko's last letter, grumbling about how Uncle Iroh is forcing him to hold an international event, but that it's okay because he gets to see her.

She felt her heart skip a beat when she read that, sprawled in his messily unique handwriting that doesn't exactly scream "Fire Lord" when you glance at it.

She's made sure she's kept in touch with Zuko - with all her friends, really. Getting letters from them (especially Zuko) are the highlights of her week, which is a bit sad if Katara gives it a thought (she does). 

But she hasn't seen Zuko in months, and Katara has missed him tremendously. She can't wait to see him again, really.

It's just - she's ~~a little~~ very nervous after the recent turn of events.

The ship passes through the Great Gates of Azulon, and Katara gulps down the lunch threatening to escape her throat. She follows Suki to the inner living areas and into their room to grab their stuff, and is too stressed to argue against Alia when the servant basically snatches their backpacks from them, stating that "the Fire Lord's honored guests should not have to worry about their luggage making it to their destination." 

Before Katara knows it, the large cargo ship that she and Suki caught a week ago is docking in the harbor. Her heart is beating so rapidly that Katara feels as though it'll jump out of her chest and run away. She's overthinking, and the more she thinks, the more panicked she becomes. 

She looks up to see Zuko standing on the harbor in his Fire Lord regalia, surrounded by two Kyoshi Warriors and a couple of members from his staff, and he's waiting for them. He sees Katara in his periphery, his face lighting up immediately as a wide smile spreads across.

It's as if he's witnessed the sun emerge from the clouds after long years of rain. 

And suddenly, Katara feels all her worries and fears and doubts wash away. She freezes, tears springing to her eyes and her ever-beating heart skipping a beat. She knew that she missed him, but it's not until now that she realizes just how damn _much_ she actually has.

She's rushing down the ship's ramp, Suki following with a raised eyebrows and a large smile. Katara's sandals knock against marbled dock, and she runs down to throw herself into Zuko's arms. She doesn't really give a care that he's the Fire Lord and this probably isn't "appropriate etiquette" because she's too overcome with happiness at seeing him.

It seems that he doesn't care either, since he grips her tightly, spinning her around and pressing his fingers into her hair delicately.

"I missed you, Tara." Zuko whispers into her ear, and Katara wants to sob at the familiar sound of his raspy voice, although she does notice it is a smidge deeper.

The fact that she notices it makes her unreasonably upset. It's just a reminder that she hasn't talked to him in the flesh in so long. Too long. 

"Not as much as I missed you." She replies, happily but with a twinge of sadness evident in her voice. He loosens his grip on her, and his ember eyes gaze into her cerulean ones for a split second before they move rapidly, flying all across as if he's trying to take in her striking appearance. 

"Hey..." His eyes squint in puzzlement as he begins to realize why she looks so different. "You cut your hair?"

Katara strains to keep her smile intact. "Oh, um, yeah. Thought it was, uh..." 

"Time for a change." Suki supplies as she comes out of a hug with the Kyoshi Warriors that had been with Zuko. She's sporting a sly grin and gives Katara a pointed look before turning to greet Zuko, who pulls her in for a quick but tight embrace as well.

However, his face is still racked in confusion when he emerges from Suki's shoulder.

"Your hair, it's -" He begins, stuttering on his words.

"What, you don't like it?" Katara asks, willing her words to come across as playful and ignoring the shaking of her arms. 

Zuko's eyes widen in panic. "No! No, of course not. You look, um, beautiful as always." He speaks genuinely, his stress of possibly insulting Katara fading away as he sees her cheeks color. He takes in her appearance further. "Aren't you hot though?"

Katara gives him a side glare, but her lack of seriousness calms him. Because she calms him, and - "And what, you're not hot in that, Zuko?" 

The corners of Zuko's mouth quirk up. "Well, yes, but I don't really have a choice. You do." 

"Just want to represent the Southern Water Tribe properly." She says smoothly, but Zuko feels a sense of nervousness in her that he's never encountered before. She's usually so self-assured and passionate, especially towards him. Plus, she's been to the Fire Nation before, and has always been more than happy to wear Fire Nation outfits that are more suited to the climate on her casual days.

She always used to say that she loved wearing the outfits of his nation. Has that changed?

"Which reminds me, my birthday wishes go out to you, Fire Lord Zuko." Katara throws herself into an exaggerated Fire Nation bow, her short curls spilling out in front of her and her face painted in an expression that shows Zuko she's trying her best not to laugh. 

Suki snickers as she joins in, bowing formally as she says "I give you my best regards, Your Highness." 

Zuko scowls, the wrinkles on his forehead furrowing and his cheeks turning bright red in a combination of both frustration and embarrassment, which sends Katara and Suki into evil giggles.

This instantly makes him brighten, his face glowing like the flames he bends as he tries (and fails) to remember the last time he's heard the laughter of two of his best friends.

"Where's everyone else?"

They pretend to be offended. "Only two girls aren't good enough for His Highness." Katara teases, and Suki mimics being shocked and embarassed, smacking her palm on her forehead in exaggeration. When they double over in laughter, Zuko joins in.

They begin walking down the newly renovated dock, the marble sparkling as it soaks in the last remnants of day. "We caught a cargo ship early, but Sokka's getting here with my dad and a few others from the tribe in three days." Katara informs him, and Suki adds that Toph is coming up from Gaoling tomorrow. 

Zuko nods with a smile. "What about Aang?"

Katara's face flinches for a quarter of a second and she clears her throat. "I think he's flying in on Appa the day before your party." 

"Oh, okay." He replies, not saying more because of a sudden tension he feels in the air.

"Anyways," Suki shoos the tension away, "are you going to shower them with a royal presage?" She pats down the auburn strays that resulted from clinging to Katara as she laughed so that they stick to her scalp and steps onto the carriage that has been parked at the edge of the dock, waiting to take them to the palace. 

"No, Zuko's much better at greetings than that, Suki. He'll shoot all the world dignitaries a 'Hello, Zuko here!'" Katara snides playfully as she climbs up to the carriage, her breathtaking cerulean eyes locked on Zuko with amusement swirling through them.

Unfortunately, her lack of awareness causes her to lose her balance.

Katara feels herself fall backwards, failing to grab onto anything. Once she realizes that she's powerless to stop herself, she squeezes her eyes shut, preparing to feel the impact of the hard ground and the pain it will send throughout her body.

But it never comes, and instead she feels herself caught by warm arms that gently wrap around her back. She opens her eyes to see ember ones gazing down at her, half in disbelief and half in laughter. She grins brightly, her features illuminated by the painted sky and creeping sunset.

Zuko savors the moment, clicking a mental picture and locking it into his mind to ensure it isn't forgotten. 


	2. stars glow brighter in the dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katara and Zuko have a late-night encounter and Katara finds herself lost in her own body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey! this is the second chapter, which i hope you guys enjoy. i don't know if i wrote the dialogue effectively or conveyed the feelings of both Zuko and Katara in a way that makes sense. please leave your feedback or suggestions in the comments, i would really appreciate it!
> 
> \- xoxo, Zara

A horrified scream attempts to escape from her throat. 

Katara clasps a hand over her mouth, gasping silently as she pushes the yell back down her throat. It sends an unsettling chill down her spine, and Katara can feel her blood rushing to her head, throwing flashbacks of her most recent nightmare to the forefront of her memory. She slowly looks up, afraid something will pop out off the darkness, and she almost screams again when she sees a reflection of herself looking back at her.

She lingers, looking back at someone she barely even recognizes anymore. Her face looks paler somehow, tired in a way that's different from the flushed energy splayed over it when she fought in battles or did something that she felt was actually meaningful. The dark locks that used to fall over her back and had resembled her mother's hair almost perfectly now barely reach her shoulders, and her soft mocha waves have naturally become more curled as a result of being cut. 

Her eyes have lost all the passion and light they carried back during the war, holding enough for all six of them when she had to. She was known for being so full of hope it was annoying, and now she can't even find a smidge shining inside of her.

She doesn't even feel like Katara anymore.

She's tired. So tired that she feels as if her entire soul is numb. Why? She's not even really sure. Ever since she'd met Aang and realized that the war that she'd been born into might finally come to an end, she's always dreamt that afterwards, she'd be able to do whatever she wanted. She was free to carve out her destiny with her own two hands, throwing in the people and the things that made her happiest.

After everything that had happened during the war, Katara had secretly imagined herself being something _more_.

More than someone on the sidelines, living a peaceful life hidden away in the isolation of the South Pole, spending her days tending to the household, to the children, to her husband. More than what the Water Tribe customs demanded her to do, to be. 

She'd let herself ignore reality and imagine being more than someone's wife or someone's sister or someone's mother, but someone on her own. Someone who fought for those who couldn't fight for themselves and changed lives for the better. Someone with her own voice and opinions and personality. 

Anyone could live a life of happiness and peace, but not everyone lived a life in which they felt genuinely satisfied and fulfilled.

She had at first thought that being with Aang, being the reward he was given after saving the world, that would make her happy. For years, she'd traveled through the Earth Kingdom and Fire Nation with him, implementing and maintaining the Harmony Restoration Movement and rebuilding a world that had been torn apart by war. She thought she'd been doing good, getting everything she wanted out of her life. 

But it's not as if she actually matters. A voice in her head always reminds her that to everyone else, she is simply just _the Avatar's girlfriend_. Her opinions don't really mean anything to anyone, and she's soon learnt that if she ever wants her ideas to be heard, she'll have to whisper them to Aang in the middle of meetings and summits so that he can speak for her and go on to receive praise for his groundbreaking ideas, diplomatic talents, and innovative solutions. 

Sometime in the past four years, she's become a shadow to Aang's body. It's been so long, too long - it feels like she's already hit the point of no return. She's stuck in all-consuming quicksand that pulls her down in greed, and she doesn't have enough left in herself to even fight. She just lets it all happen, lets murky tentacles wrap around and claim her very soul; lets herself look in the mirror and see someone she doesn't even know staring back at her. 

Katara sighs, swinging her legs over the bed and feeling the black tiles cool the bottoms of her feet. She makes her way over to the sole window in her room, opening the shutters and popping her head out. Outside, she has a beautiful view of a garden that belongs to Zuko's mother, a sparkling pond in the center catching her eye. Glancing up, she sees the half moon hovering in the sky, surrounded by twinkling stars that cast a glow onto her face. 

She tightens the grey band that keeps her dark blue night robe in place before climbing out of the window. She sticks to the wall, quieter than a spider-mouse as she silently places her fingers and toes into small grooves in the exterior to keep herself balanced while she makes her way down. 

She suddenly feels a sharp metal cut through the right side of her forehead, knowing that a bleeding gash has formed without even needing to touch it. She can feel the blood escaping from the wound, running down her face in the same way a tear would. She looks up to find the culprit - a shiny silver nail sticking out of the wall like a sore thumb. 

Perfect.

A few floors beneath where she is, a brown roof that shields the sunlight from people as they walk underneath waits for her. Katara leaps, twirling in the air to get herself in the right position to land gracefully onto the roof, before swiftly making her way down to the ground of the garden. 

She admires the sweet-smelling Ember Daisies and Fire Lilies that line the garden, letting herself smile as the cool night breeze blows through her silky curls. Once she arrives at the pond, Katara kneels down, lending her finger to a lone awake baby turtleduck that cheerfully nibbles on it. She brings her free hand to her forehead, flexing her fingers aggressively to instantly stop the blood in its tracks. 

It's not even the full moon, but Katara has long since figured out that she doesn't require its power to perform the technique that had left her scared of her own abilities for weeks. A reoccurring thought that she's surpassed the inventor of bloodbending knocks at the edge of her mind, but she pushes the creeping emotions back inside.

She's terrified of herself, and she feels guilt instill into her bones. The thing is though, Katara isn't scared of the bloodbending. In some sort of sick way... it makes her feel powerful. Like she's in control. 

That horrifies her more than bending the blood of another ever could. 

Lost in thought, Katara's fingers sense the blood of someone else, and her self-defense instincts kick in before she even has a chance to stop herself. Pulling the blood from her forehead, she's suddenly standing and shooting crimson icicles that fly towards the direction of the blood she'd sensed. 

Her pale blue eyes widen as they meet amber ones, full with concern and fear. The darts halt abruptly, floating in midair. Katara lets them dangle there in her grip for a few seconds as her mind attempts to process what had just happened. Once she regains her composure, she quickly spaces out her fingers, the frozen blood melting into red steam.

Zuko's face is stunned as he walks over sheepishly. "Hey, Katara, it's just me." He says tentatively. 

"Zuko! Spirits, I'm so sorry! I don't know what I was thinking, I just got panicked and -" She's spilling out an apology, her legs weak and her mind dizzy. 

"No, no, Tara, it's okay." He protests, waving his hands to further emphasize his point. 

But she isn't even looking at him, eyes closed as she slaps her palm onto her forehead and shakes her head in disbelief. "No! I, I shouldn't even be here! This is your mother's garden, and I'll probably go to Fire Nation prison for treason, and-"

Zuko chuckles incredulously. "You mean trespassing?" 

"Whatever! I'm, I'm sorry, I should just go." She sputters out as she steps to the side, more than ready to disappear back into the safe confines of her room and forget this ever happened. 

She feels hot hands wrap around her wrists delicately. "No! It's fine, Katara, really." He rasps genuinely, without even realizing what his hands are doing. 

Katara finally relaxes, letting out a breath she didn't know she had been holding. She looks down at the ironic predicament they've found themselves in, and a grin creeps onto her face. "Are you going to save me from the pirates, Fire Lord?" 

The Fire Lord in question freezes awkwardly, releasing the gentle grip he'd had on her wrists. Color rises to his cheeks. "You still remember that?"

"How could I forget?" She smirks, remembering how much joy she receives just from teasing Zuko. Another thing she's missed.

"Can't sleep?" His expression turns serious, his tone softening.

Katara breathes out heavily, dropping back to her knees and leaning on her right arm to stay upright. "No, I just rise with the moon." She tries to lighten the mood that she single-handedly darkened when she shot blood darts at Zuko in the middle of the night. "The real question is... what are you doing up? I thought all of you firebenders rise with the sun." 

Zuko drops to sit down next to her with his knees up and one arm draped over. "You know, I get them too."

She mimics confusion and innocence, but Katara has always read like a book. To Zuko, atleast. "What are you talking about?"

"The nightmares, Tara." His words instantly make her eyes widen, but she doesn't reply, so he continues. "Some nights I get nightmares that one day, I'll wake up and my scar will be gone. And without my scar, I look just like my father." He almost whispers, touching his scar just to make sure it's still there. "I know it's not true, I'm nothing like him. But it's still a fear that pokes at the back of my head." 

He almost wants to flee the scene, because he doesn't want her to say anything, any words of denial or whispers of reassurance. He doesn't need it.

He doesn't even know why he's worried though, because Katara does exactly what he wants, wordlessly placing her fingers on the red blemish, her touch cooling his face. A thought appears in the back of his mind that she's the one and only person he ever allows to do this, but he ignores it. The two of them sit there, still, time an obsolete illusion. It not-so-subtely throws Zuko back into the crystal catacombs in Ba Sing Se, back when he was a confused teenager at his crossroads, demanding the world of his destiny every chance he got, feeling an uncontrollable and idiotic sense of comfort from a girl on the opposite side of generation-spanning war and that he himself had been trying to capture for months. 

Eventually, Katara blinks, dragging them both back into reality. She quickly snatches her hand back, both of them painfully aware that the exchange they had just had certainly didn't feel platonic, and she happened to be dating one of his closest friends. She averts his sight by gazing up at the sky, the moon casting an ethereal glow that highlights her sharp features. "The stars are beautiful." She breathes, attempting to change the subject entirely and avoid rotting in awkwardness and tension. She slowly shifts to lay on her back and get a better look at the dark blue abyss, brought to life with a million stars and their shiny moon. Zuko copies her action, his eyes glowing as they view the sky above. 

A comfortable silence falls over them, and Katara feels her inhibitions disintegrate into the cool air. They always do when she's around Zuko. She feels free, not in constant fear that she might say something that would break the perfect, motherly persona she tends to uphold among most.

"When I was little, my grandmother and I would sometimes walk to the tallest mountain near our village and lay down exactly like this. I had too much energy in the night, and the only way I would calm down on the full moon was by looking at the sky. She used to tell me stories about the old times - a time of peace, when there was balance kept between all four nations." She says, lost in nostalgia. 

Zuko is turned to his side, making it so that he could see her perfectly as she spoke. Her eyes were glued to the beauty that accompanied the celestial sphere hanging over them. "That all changed when we attacked the whole world." Guilt and remorse swish through his voice before he can stop it. 

The persona comes rushing back, smashing into her chest like a boulder, trying and almost succeeding in suffocating her.

 _Just because Zuko treats you like a real person doesn't mean he doesn't have insecurities. No one's perfect and everyone has feelings, and that includes him._ The voice inside her head reminds her, and her face softens instantly. When has she become so selfish? She turns her head to make sure she's looking into his eyes when she says her next words. "Not we, Zuko. It wasn't your fault."

He replies with a long sigh, remembering a time where his soul drive was to capture the world's last hope for peace so that he could return home. "Maybe Sozin started the war, but I... continued it. All of the war and hatred." He thinks back to the first time he had met Katara, barging through her tiny village in his enormous ship, scaring the powerless villagers, and leaving carelessly with the Avatar in his possession. 

Now Katara sits up, leaning on her elbow and grabbing Zuko's hand with her free one, giving it a gentle but firm squeeze. If Zuko notices the white arm wraps, which are normally taken off when going to sleep, peeking through the sleeves of her robe and extending to the edge of her wrists, he doesn't show it.

"Zuko," she says, her tone soft yet serious, "even back then, your intention was _never_ to spread the war and violence." Her face turns to the pond, her hair swishing along with the movement. Her gaze lingers there for a few seconds before she looks back at him. "I actually knew that as soon as I met you."

Zuko's heart rate spikes. "What?" He almost wants to laugh. "You mean after you saw me knock down your brother, yank your Gran-Gran, and kidnap Aang?" 

"Sure, you didn't make the best impression on the village, and your intentions weren't... great, but you had no interest in harming innocent people. Aang told you he'd go with you if you left us alone, and you agreed without even thinking about it. You kept your word, too." Her face turns dark, her mind undoubtedly flashing back to what she considered the absolute worst day of her life. "The Southern Raiders only came to kill me, but they wrecked our entire village as an extra, killing men they knew for sure weren't waterbenders. I knew immediately that you weren't like them." 

The thankful expression that has came to adorn Zuko warms Katara's heart. Her panic subsides, almost feeling like herself again as she does what she does best - comforting the people she loves. That has always come easy to her, its been something she's just naturally done and that others have come to rely on her for. 

Letting the people she loves comfort her on the other hand - that's been a struggle Katara has never seemed to let go of. Ever since she was eight, she's bottled up all her grief and sadness and anger and instead provided others with exactly what they need. She'd become so much of a mother to her older brother that he can't even remember how their real mother looked like, and when she was fourteen, that role had extended towards Toph, and Aang. 

She'd always had a tendency to put others far above herself, in a way that was no longer admirable - no, for her, it had gotten to the point of unhealthiness. 

The facade she'd had to put on for Sokka, Aang, and Toph, it wasn't something she'd had to upkeep with Zuko though. When he had joined and offered to take her on a quest to find her mother's killer, he had given her more than a shot at revenge. He'd provided her with something no one has in a long time - a chance to be the one that's taken care of, for once.

He was someone that believed her needs, her wants, her fears, her feelings, those were all important too. And even now, after all these years, he's still the sole person that Katara feels that level of comfort with. It felt refreshing, exhilarating almost, to have someone that treated her like a genuine person with feelings and not a picture-perfect prize given out for restoring balance to the world by defeating an evil dictator that breathes fire. 

_He probably feels that same way with you._ The voice strikes her, rushing through her body and enlightening her, eliminating all the unreasonable anger and hurt she'd been harboring in the process.

Of course he does! Or, hopefully he does atleast. She wants him to, with every bone in her body, because she wants to be the same person he is for her for him too. She doesn't want any of them to be doing the other a favor. She longs for them both to have such deep mutual trust in eachother that they can be their most vulnerable, broken selves in front of the other and be met with not only acceptance but comfort, embrace. 

That, more than anything, is what true balance looks like to Katara. 

Isn't that what they have?

 _It is_ , she thinks for a moment, before a pang of reality hits her and she remembers the secret she's been keeping that throws all of that out the window, essentially. 

It seems as though Zuko has just been struck by a blast of realization. "I wanted to figure out why _you_ were upset and offer some comfort, so how did we end up in a place where you're making me feel better?" He mumbles unhappily, and Katara gets the feeling he has just read her like a book.

She never used to be that transparent. 

Katara answers with a grin that doesn't quite meet her eyes. "You needed it, Zuko." She says simply, slumping back to face the sky so that she can hide the fruitful tears that have began to form underneath her eyes. She doesn't even know why they have risen, but how does it matter anyway? Why is this making her so... angry, hurt? Zuko didn't even do anything wrong!

The comfortable silence has become deafening in a matter of moments, and Zuko remains clueless of what to do for a couple of minutes before an idea strikes his mind. "I want to show you something." He says, louder and stronger than the manner in which they had been speaking before. The sudden break of the silence shocks Katara, and he grabs her hand thoughtlessly to pull her up and begin leading her to the place he wants to take her. 

Katara grants him her trust, allowing him to guide her out of the garden and to the far end of the palace, to a tall tower that she couldn't quite see the top of. When they enter, there are winding stairs that go on forever, a few small doors on each floor. On the seventh floor (she isn't really keeping count anymore), a half open door with a limited but substantial view of the interior, presenting a tiny room with a single dusty comforter housing dirt and spider flies sprawled on the floor. It makes her assume that this is the tower where the Fire Lord used to house the not-so-honored residents - his concubines and servants. 

She feels a small flash of pride at the thought that the tower seems to abandoned under the reign of the current Fire Lord.

Zuko finally stops at the final floor, having to duck a little because of the low ceiling. His hand lets go of hers to pull on two latches above, unlocking a wooden board that opens up to an overview of the night sky. He places his hands on the floor of the roof easily, pulling himself up the same way he has done several times before. Katara, being shorter than he is, will probably have a harder time, so he turns to offer her an arm of help, but she doesn't need it, jumping swiftly so that she can get her hands onto the unpaved floor before heaving herself up the same way he used to when he was shorter, younger. 

Her eyes widen as she stands, the azure in them gleaming as they take in the expanse of the view. The lights of all the homes and buildings are switched off, the whole world asleep except for them, but the streetlamps stand out as another source of brightness, passing out infinite light throughout the city. The sky is dark, almost black, but the radiant stars adorn it beautifully, the moon luminous in the distance. 

"The best view you'll get in Caldera City." Zuko introduces, his arms motioning at the view and a surge of pride tickling his stomach. 

"It's breathtaking." She affirms, her eyes shimmering like sapphire gemstones and shining as if a fire has been lit inside of them as she continues to marvel at the beauty that is his city. "This roof must be famous, it's absolutely gorgeous!" She adds, thoughtfully. 

While Zuko certainly agrees with her about the pretty view, he has grown fairly accustomed to that. His golden eyes don't get as awed by it as they used to, instead devoting their attention onto Katara as she leans on the unsteady railing, hands gripping it tightly. Her visage is lustrous in the stunning light, making him think he's in the presence of an angel, dropped into the world by the gods themselves. The light breeze whistles through shortened dark locks as the stars make it sparkle, her signature hair loopies nowhere to be seen, her fiery blue eyes continuing to admire the scene in front of them.

He wants to blurt out that _she's_ gorgeous, a hundred times more than than the allure of the city. 

But he can't exactly do that, can he? 

Of course he can't. 

So rather than say the words pulling at the back of his mouth, he chuckles lightly. "Not exactly. No one comes here except me, atleast not in a long time." The way that Katara is looking at him makes it clear that she wants him to elaborate, so he does. "Azula and I actually found this place together when we were little. We'd always sneak up here when it got late, preferring to watch the stars over going to bed early. Mother always used to tell us about the different constellations, and we'd have a contest trying to see who could find the most first." He explains.

Katara flinches when he says Azula's name, her hands leaving the railing and riding up to her arms, her face unreadable. She recovers quickly though, smiling through the rest of the story. "That sounds wonderful." She tells him. "We didn't really have many stars back in the South."

He whips his head to turn to her, confused. "What? You guys just had a plain night sky?"

She shakes her head. "Well, no, not exactly. There were stars, but they weren't as visible to us on most nights as they are here. But over there, the sky glows in all of these different colors - purples and greens and oranges and blues and white. We call them the Southern Lights, and they're unique to the South Pole." Her expression turns wistful.

Zuko had always found the moon, stars, and sky to be stunning in the Fire Nation, but the Southern nights sounded exquisite. "I'd love to see them someday." He says quietly, and he means it.

Katara brightens a little, practically beaming when she notices his sincerity. She cheekily answers with, "You'll have to come visit then." Her mind envisions herself and Zuko below an overhead sea of colorful lights, admiring the beauty, and this feeling of lust ignites inside her that she can't quite explain. 

"Is that invitation?" He questions, raising his eyebrow with a frisky grin. 

She places her hand back onto the unsteady railing, shifting her body so that it can rest on her arm. "You know you're always welcome there, Zuko." She retorts with a warm smile.

"I'm not sure about always." Zuko shoots back, causing them both to grin in amusement. "You're always welcome at the palace though." He adds, pausing for a few moments before allowing the words slipping out of his tongue out. "I'm, I'm really glad you're here, Tara." 

Katara's deep blue eyes gloss over, transforming into a pair of pale, blue moons that stand out strikingly, at least to him, against the inky overcast that stretches out beyond his sight. "Me too." She almost whispers, her fingers squeezing into her forearms as if she's cold, freezing. He almost wants to reach out and send heat waves into her circulation in an effort to help, but Zuko knows better than to think that Katara of the Southern Water Tribe, with all of its biting chills, numbing frigidness, and frosty blankets of white, feels even remotely cold here in the torrid and humid Fire Nation climate, where even locals including himself feel stuffy at times. 

He doesn't even notice the goofy smile that's sprawled across his face at first, but her response warms his heart in a way his blazing inner fire never could. He knows that she's still here for a week, but he already feels all-consuming dread at the thought of her leaving again, going off with Aang on Appa to the next village, the next Air Temple, the next place that needs the support of the Avatar. He wants to ask, beg for her to stay, just a little longer, because he can't bear her deserting him here, alone, again. "Do you... do you like traveling?" He blurts out, without worrying about any possible repercussions. 

Her twin defined eyebrows furrow, her expression a picture of confusion and astonishment. "What?" 

"With Aang, do you, you know, enjoy it?" 

Her look turns cloudy, blazing with unprecedented anger. "Of - of course I do, Zuko!" She snaps, ignoring the strange feeling burning in her lungs. It's suddenly hard to catch a breath, inhale, exhale. 

A strong feeling blooms inside of him that's impossible to overlook. Something about her reaction tells him, screams at him, that this isn't the first time she's heard this, the first time she's answered to such an inquiry. It means he's not the only one, the only one who's seen her happiness and personality and sense of self curl into herself over the years, retreating from the outside world slowly but surely, until the traits that make up Katara are barely visible anymore; she's a mere shell of her former self. 

"Sorry," He says hastily, "I just meant - don't you miss your tribe?" 

"Yes, but -" Katara takes in a sharp breath, her eyes fragile like glass yet dangerous nevertheless. Her insides swirl in indignant waves that she can't control, can't bend into submission no matter how hard she tries.

"But what?" He asks, his words spoken so softly that it's like he's afraid she'll shatter into pieces if he speaks any louder. 

She gulps down a whimper, twists her wrist gently to assure her tears are kept at bay. _Tearbending_ , she'd realize, if she'd been thinking about what she was doing. She wasn't though - her mind is too preoccupied, busy contemplating whether to confess.

"But... no."

Zuko's eyes widen in surprise. "What do you mean?" He inquires, wishing desperately for her to just _tell_ him what she's feeling, thinking. 

She wants to flail into Zuko's snug embrace. She needs to just break down and tell him everything, because she needs to talk to _someone._

So she does. "I just... I don't feel like I belong there." A confession slithers from her lips, her face covered in crimson shame. She’d been at the South Pole only a few weeks ago, but while she had certainly been needed by her brother and soon-to-be sister-in-law, she’d realized that she wasn’t needed by her tribe, not at all. The same tribe that she used to shoulder the majority of the responsibility of, they had forgotten about her, in a sense. Her achievements during the war earned her respect, but she no longer had a place there.

Not that she felt as if she has a place somewhere else. "Honestly, I don't feel like I belong anywhere." 

Once she's said it, she doesn't want to stop. She feels freer, like one of the many weights that have been suffocating her has finally been taken off, granting her temporary relief to the eternal pain brewing beneath her skin. "My nightmares - they aren't of war or injury or death or anyone else." Those ghosts and fears haunt her whenever she's conscious, but for some reason they don't follow her into unconsciousness. "They're just of me, living the rest of my life the same way I'm living it right now. Belonging everywhere, and nowhere. Being nothing but the partner of the Avatar, the pure, undoubtedly good, waterbending teacher of the twelve-year old boy who saved the world. Feeling... unfulfilled, unrealized, until eventually I just, just die, and no one even remembers what made me me." A choked sob emerges out of the weakened grasp of her bending, much to her dismay. 

Warm arms wrap around her in silent comfort, and she falls into them, allowing Zuko to carry some of the pain she's been housing inside of herself for so long, burying her face into his shoulder and allowing warm tears to stream down her cheeks, conceding to the universe that Katara is broken, lost, damaged.

She doesn't know exactly how long they remain like that for, seconds passing by like days and hours passing by like decades. All she knows is, she never wants it to end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you guys caught the callback to Katara’s intro in the pilot episode and Zuko’s response with the iconic that all changed when... 
> 
> haha anyways if you liked this chapter please leave a kudos or comment!


	3. a (secret) map of my scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katara has a conversation with Suki that is cut short. Toph arrives, and Katara has an almost enjoyable dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know what exactly this chapter is, but it's basically setting up a confession that is going to happen soon! i hope it's not boring! 
> 
> anyways, i hope you guys like it!
> 
> \- xoxo, Zara

Late morning sunlight shines through the window, forming shadows across the room and brightening it by about ten shades. Katara gently opens her swollen, eyes with a wince, finding it painful to keep them at anything but an awkward squint for the time being. The events of the previous night hit her like bricks, regret and shame rushing into her foggy mind. 

Although... she isn't exactly sure how she got back here. The last thing she remembers is being a vulnerable five-year old, sobbing into the safety of Zuko's shoulder, so she logically assumes she's probably blocked out the details of what occurred afterwards out of pure dread. 

She remains lying on her bed, appreciating the fact that she's actually waking up on a soft, cushioned _bed_ and not a sleeping bag on a grimy floor or a mattress in a dingy motel, which are the conditions she's grown accustomed to over the past few years. She fixes her squint at the royal maroon molding that lines the ceiling of her suite, groaning when she finds it nearly impossible to see clearly. Her sight blurs and the bottom of her eyes feel puffy and weary.

She pulls a few drops of water from the lush, green plant sitting on top of her nightstand, pushing the water over her eyes and curling her fingers in an effort to ease the damage. 

How long _did_ she cry last night? 

She's left to her own devices, the water still glowing over her eyes as she racks her brain in an effort to recall what exactly happened last night. Suddenly, her ears are filled with noise coming from the apparent commotion outside. Katara sways her hands back, directing the water she'd been using to heal back into the soil of the plant. She sits up, walking over to the door of her room anxiously. She's really not in the mood for drama at the moment.

"I don't care! I'm basically her sister and I'm also one of the Fire Lord's close, personal friends, so just _let me in_." She hears a familiar voice state firmly. Katara twists the door handle, opening the door slightly and peeking her head through the crack, her eyes quickly taking in the scene. 

"It's fine, you can let her in." Katara says quickly once she sees who's trying to come in. She's rather puzzled at the guards' behavior. 

Actually, she's more confused as to why she has guards at all, since she'd specifically made it clear to Zuko that she was perfectly capable of protecting herself and that he should not and will not waste the time of two guards that could be spending their time doing _anything else_. But she pictures sprinting down the never-ending hallways to ask the Fire Lord himself (who she had also just had a mental breakdown in front of last night) why he assigned two guards to make sure she's safe while she sleeps.

Yes, she's aware of how that sounds, and she wisely decides that this is not worth a battle, especially since the headspace she is currently in is certainly not fit for an angry confrontation with a world power that also happens to be her best friend. 

"Are you sure, Master Katara?" The younger of her two guards hesitates. 

"I'm sure, um... uh, what's your name?" She asks apologetically, although she had never met the guards before and therefore really doesn't have any reason to get so flustered. 

The guard seems to be surprised at the question for a rationale that goes straight over Katara's head, but he nervously informs her that his name is Shio. 

"Shio, I'll be sure to remember that." Katara assures politely before she repeats that, yes, she's sure. Her assertiveness finally causes the guards to concede, and they back away from the door formally. 

"Spirits! What is even going on, Kat?" Suki questions as she practically runs into the room, collapsing onto the large bed. Katara notes that she's fully dressed in a traditional rouge Fire Nation crop top and bottoms, her auburn hair brushed and tousled. "You missed breakfast, and Zuko was acting really weird, so I came to check on you. And even though I literally came here with you yesterday, am the leader of the Kyoshi Warriors who personally protect Zuko, and am one of your and Zuko's best friends, these guards are acting as if I'm coming in to assassinate you!" Suki rolls her eyes in annoyance before catching a glance at Katara's stricken face and bloodshot eyes.

Suki's face immediately morphs from irritation to concern. "What happened?" Her voice is soft, gentle, and cautious this time, a stark difference from the vigor it carried previously. 

"Nothing." Katara answers, as innocently as she can, which isn't nearly enough, apparently. Suki gives her a knowing glare that Katara has seen more than enough by now, and she instantly recognizes its meaning - she needs to stop lying and spill, right now.

"I honestly don't know." She sighs in retreat, slumping down onto the bed next to Suki. "I snuck out last night and ran into Zuko, and we talked for awhile and I started crying and -" Suki's emerald-colored eyes widen in shock, and Katara knows why, so she eases her worries before she continues to panic. "Before you ask, no, I didn't tell him about that." Suki lets out a deep exhale. "But yeah, that happened, and after that, I actually don't remember anything. I don't know how I got here and I have absolutely no idea why the guards are acting like that." 

"I think Zuko must have told the guards to not let anyone in after last night." Suki wonders out loud. "He probably told them not to wake you for breakfast either, and good thing too, because you look like a total trainwreck."

They both snicker in spite of themselves. "This is after I healed them for a few minutes!" Katara adds, pointing to her eyes comically and shaking her head in disbelief, making them fall back onto their backs with giggles that would seem unprovoked and crazy to outsiders. 

The laughter dies down soon, however. "So, last night... you and Zuko..." Suki says it as a statement, and Katara doesn't know what to do with that, so she settles for fixing her gaze at the extremely fascinating ceiling. "Did anything... happen?"

Her best friend has always been incredibly straight-forward, never failing to give her most honest opinions and genuine advice. Suki makes sure to always tell her the point-blank truth, even when it's not what Katara wants to hear. It's one of the reasons she feels so safe confiding in Suki, and at the same time, why she resents it. 

"What?! Nothing! You know I'm with Aang!" Katara responds right away, hoping to close that conversation because she _really_ doesn't want to start with that right now, especially with someone who sees through her like she's glass. "I know you aren't the biggest fan of that, but I would hope that..." She trails off, realizing she doesn't really know _what_ she's hoping for from Suki. 

Suki lets out a breath, disappointed yet unsurprised. "I, I know." She says quietly, making Katara feel unsettled because, sure, Suki's opinions aren't always welcomed with open arms, but deep down, Katara has come to rely on her assertive nature.

Unfortunately, it's nowhere to be seen in regards to that matter, for the moment at least. Suki raises her head to check the ruddy, copper clock hanging on the wall. "Toph's going to be here in like, an hour! We all were planning to go down to the harbor to meet her, remember?"

Oh, yeah. Toph's coming today too. Of course, she's missed the blind earthbender much more than she would expect and she can't wait to see her again, but while Suki can normally see through Katara's lies because of how well she knows her, _Toph_ is a literal human lie detector. And both of her girlfriends are painfully honest and straight-shooters to the bone, which makes Katara awfully nervous.

Anxiety bubbles in her core, but she pulls the genuine excitement over seeing her sarcastic little sister to the surface, successfully masking her mixed feelings. "Oh, right! I totally forgot, but I'm definitely coming." She says sheepishly, heaving herself up. "I have to get ready then." 

Suki nods in response and proceeds to gets up, walking over to the chestnut dresser and looking thoughtfully inside Katara's navy bag, decorated with a single arctic wolf sewn in the middle. The waterbender sees the older girl frown at the prospects of outfits tucked inside, but Suki quickly digs through, pulling out a pale green robe with minimal white detailing on it. The flared long-sleeves still covered her arms, but Earth Kingdom fabric was atleast lighter, manufactured in a more airy material that's perfect for the temperate climate of the nation. It was a definite upgrade from the fluffy, fur-lined Water Tribe clothes she'd worn when she'd arrived. 

Katara waits for Suki to toss the robe to her, but Suki holds it to herself instead, silent for a few moments as she licks her lips in contemplation. Her words are carefully chosen. "Zuko isn't going to get mad at you, Kat. He never does, and this was not your fault, at all." 

Zuko never gets mad at her, Katara knows this better than anyone. That isn't what's stopping her. "I know he won't, I'm not afraid he'll get mad at me! But... I think he'll get angry with _her_ , and I can't do that to either one of them." 

Suki places the dress onto the dresser, crossing her arms. "But you didn't _do_ anything wrong! You were only trying to help, and you didn't even have to! Just tell him the truth, Kat." She says sternly. Her voice becomes quieter, but the seriousness remains. "He deserves to know the truth." She unintentionally pushes a needle of reality and raw guilt into Katara's spine, and the walls begin to close in on her mind. 

Unriddled anger simmers like fire, and Katara does her best to ignore it, because she is _not_ falling apart right now. "I did." She struggles to keep her voice level, calm and serene like the water she bends. Why can't she just naturally be like that? She's a literal waterbender and has somehow been cursed with the temper and rage of a firebender.

"And he can't know! No one can! It'll - it'll ruin everything! It was... it was my fault for trying. I was in way over my head." 

"You can't blame yourself for trying, Katara. That's what you do - you always care too much, even when you don't have any reason to. But you can't keep lying to everyone you love and wear long-sleeved robes in the middle of Fire Nation summers for the rest of life because of _that_! Zuko will understand eventually, even if he is a bit mad at first, and you won't be ruining anything!" Suki whisper-yells, passion and fury equally strong in her tone.

"Besides," she continues, her more compassionate side bleeding through, "I know Zuko loves the hair, and he out of all people won't care about _those_ one bit. I mean, have you seen him?" Suki gives a wry grin. "If anyone understands, he does." She pauses, her eyes shining with sincerity. "And I think you need him to understand."

_He will understand, he understands everything about you, because he sees you, he gets you in a way no one else ever has and ever will._

A crack shoots through Katara's poorly-made mask. Through the messy blend of emotions swirling through her insides, Katara _knows_ that Suki is undoubtedly right. That doesn't make any of this any easier though, and it doesn't give Katara the confidence to go and confess either. She feels as if she's a mirror dressed in fragility, and someone has just thrown caution to the wind and broken her, and no one can mend the thousand tiny shards she's become. 

Katara wants to allow herself to shatter, fall into a useless pile of nothingness and stop bottling everything up and just _breathe_. 

But she's Katara, and she doesn't do that. She's not some helpless little girl that needs someone to fix her. She's fine, she always is, because if she isn't who is?

"I - I don't have time for this, Suki. I have to go shower and get dressed before we leave." Katara starts to say, pushing the feelings deep into herself, hidden in the crook of her heart like treasure awaiting discovery. Suki doesn't budge, disappointment painted across her face, and Katara fights the urge to comfort her because she knows that she's the one upsetting Suki and what Suki wants is something Katara _can't_ give her. 

"I'll be fine." Katara assures, giving Suki a quick hug and a strained smile before she disappears behind elegant brown doors. She presses her back onto the door once she's inside, holding her ear close, exhaling in relief when she hears Suki defeatedly sigh, retreating out of her room at last. 

A royal full length mirror surrounded by an intricately molded gold frame is staring at her pointedly when she turns around, her mocha hair bouncing as she moves. Katara looks at the reflection fiercely, her mind directing her to be fearless. She tries her best to heed the demands, peeling her night robe and under-wrappings of to reveal the figure of a girl that clearly hasn't had much of an appetite lately. She forces herself not to cringe as she hastily unwinds the tight white wraps that go up to her forearms. As soon as she's finished, she throws the wraps onto the counter, quickly rushing into the marbled shower and twisting the metal knob to turn it on. 

The cool water rolls down her face and dampens her locks, and the sensation of being surrounded by her elements gives Katara a sweet semblance of peace. It's a place where no one will dare to bother her, where she can be alone and can finally let _all_ her guards down. She used to feel a similar way with Zuko, but the pain of keeping a secret from him has tarnished the safety she once felt. 

Tears well up in the bottoms of her ocean eyes as she thinks, and for once, Katara doesn't resist. The gate breaks, the pent-up flood flowing relentlessly down her cheeks, flowing down all the blemishes that line her body, somehow finding its way into her cracked bones. The monsters that have found homes beneath the cracks are temporarily scared away. 

Katara wants to laugh madly at the irony - she's always dreaming of making her mark on the world, but the only marks she's actually succeeding on making are located on her own body, chiseled into her own bones. The marks form a map, a map of Katara and all her pain and sorrows and grief and angst. 

The shower water doesn't wash them away, obviously - marks wouldn't hurt so bad if they weren't permanent, right? - but the pain and anger and hostility that constantly plague her subside for the time being, the water soothing them delicately and offering gentle relief to the marks. 

She finds solace in the fact that it's near impossible to tell the differentiate between the drops coming from shower head and the tears her eyes are freely shedding. They feel one and the same, because at the end of the day, its all water, isn't it?

Katara takes a deep breath, slowly inhaling the scent of home; of snow and ice and glaciers and oceans and tides and waves and _water._ It feels, not happy or good or relaxing, but _refreshing_. 

Comforting. 

* * *

After greeting Toph at the harbor with a crushing hug initiated by Katara and a signature affectionate punch from Toph, Katara disappears, holing herself up in her room for the rest of the day for logic both known and unknown to Suki and Zuko. It's completely lost on Toph, however, which is very rare considering her impeccable perceptiveness and abilities. 

Katara spends the lonely day refreshing her memory on all of the current world affairs. Sure, she's technically from the Southern Water Tribe, (the Princess, apparently), but she wants to be knowledgable and involved in all aspects of the world, because she fought to save the entire world. She has grown to care for every inch of it, and her dreams are no longer simply limited to the daily goings-on of her secluded tribe. 

So she dedicates chunks of her time to gain a better understanding of the problems in the world that aren't so familiar to her. She attempts to understand the complex and rather unfair tax system of the Earth Kingdom. She writes down lists of possible solutions and initiatives to discourage the continuation of tradition-based sexism in the Northern Water Tribe. She's downright horrified, struggling to even wrap her mind around the terribly unbalanced Fire Nation healthcare system.

The Fire Lord's twentieth birthday celebration invited all of the world's most important leaders and dignitaries to the palace, and while everyone is anyways in the same place, it was decided that an international meeting would be held the day after. 

The annual Peace Summit isn't scheduled to be for another five months, so this meeting serves as an in-between opportunity to discuss issues that need immediate attention - and according to Katara, there are plenty. 

Not that she has the true power or authority to solve them, to actually pass laws, make decisions, and genuinely help people. After all, she isn't the Avatar or the Fire Lord or the Earth King or the Chief of the Water Tribe - she's just Katara. She's always just been Katara. But Katara isn't herself without putting up a hell of a fight, whether she wins or loses. 

Or at least, that's what she used to be. 

She used to be the girl that never gave up hope, even when the rest of the world believed in nothing but bleak darkness. She was the idiotic girl that challenged the best waterbender at the North Pole to a fight and gave him a run for his money while only just barely trained (her only teacher had been illustrations of basic forms drawn in a stolen waterbending scroll and herself). She was the girl that believed a boy who chased them around the world trying to capture the Avatar could change his ways and be good. She was the girl who had portrayed a river spirit and destroyed a factory to help a village of the country that was supposed to be her enemy. She was the girl who had learnt how to bend the blood inside another's body to her will within minutes, and had overpowered and bloodbent the creator of bloodbending. She was the girl that had become a master waterbender in the matter of months and had defeated prodigy-firebender Princess Azula during Sozin's Comet. 

She was one of six, an essential member of the group of friends that had single-handedly saved the world. 

That girl was someone she used to be proud to be. That girl used to stand with her head held high, relenting to no one, regardless of who they were. 

Where had that girl gone? And who was living her life in her place? 

* * *

When the sun begins to allow the moon to take the stage and the sky glitters brightly in rosy pinks and tangy oranges, Toph lets herself into Katara's room and practically drags her to dinner, complaining about how much she's missed "seeing her face." 

"You can't see anyone's face, Toph." Katara groans, having spent enough time with the younger girl to recognize her ability to incorporate witty jokes about her blindness wherever she can. She really isn't looking forward to spending a meal with the human lie detector, Suki, and _Zuko_ , but nevertheless, she allows Toph to continue gripping her wrist and guide her through the narrow hallways, bringing her to the palace's formal dining hall. 

Not that anyone of them have done anything wrong, but it's just rattles Katara's nerves the wrong way, leaving her in constant anxiousness over what any of them might say. It was bad enough down at the harbor, but at least that was a public place and the three of them could simply chatter casually over their excitement to see Toph. 

The two girls have almost reached their destination (after a journey that took them way too long) when Katara hears a shrill voice shriek, "Katara!" She knocks herself out of her worried daze and looks down to see a petite girl barreling up to her with an animated smile, bouncing up and engulfing her in a lively hug. 

"Kiyi! Spirits, look at you, you've gotten so big!" Katara remarks heartily, balancing the younger girl on her hip, despite the fact that the seven-year-old is probably a little too old for that by now. Though, she doesn't seem to mind, so Katara doesn't put her down, enjoying the feeling. 

Kiyi giggles happily. "I know! And, guess what? Did my brother tell you that I'm a firebender?" The childish innocence she carries adds warmth to Katara's heart and ignites the compassion hidden herself. She's always loved kids, and Zuko's little sister is probably her favorite. 

Katara raises her eyebrows and fakes surprise, even though Zuko had informed her in one of their many letters months ago. "Really? That's amazing, Ki!" 

Hazel eyes glowing in pride, Kiyi's face is giddy. "Zuzu told me I'm a prodigy, just like you are at waterbending!" _And just like Azula_. "Do you want to see what I can do?" She asks ecstatically. 

"Ki! No!" Zuko pants, jaunting into the enormous room with sweat dripping down his face. "Sorry, she just heard you and started sprinting here before I could stop her." He apologizes, this time his words directed at Katara. 

Toph cackles from behind Katara, her milky eyes closed as she loses herself in amusement. "Looks like Sparky needs to clear some more time for his training. You're slacking off, Sifu Hotman." 

Zuko and Katara both ignore her, and Katara waves it off, assuring Zuko that it was nothing to feel sorry for. 

"Okay." Zuko says, loitering his attention onto his feet for a couple of seconds before he adds, "I'm glad you decided to come, though."

Katara rolls her eyes lightheartedly. "Toph made me." She explains. 

The four of them are making their way to the shimmering gold table when Suki walks in with Zuko's mother, lightly conversing with the older women as they briskly travel. "Kat, you came!" Suki grins when she sees her, and Toph immediately jumps in to inform her of who gets the credit for getting Katara to grace the rest of them with her presence. 

"It's so good to see you, Katara!" Ursa smiles warmly as she leans in to give Katara a hug. 

The company of Kiyi and Ursa alleviate most of Katara's concerns, and she permits herself to calm as the six of them engage in friendly conversations through their five-course meal. Katara doesn't really talk much about herself, instead questioning the others about their lives. Over the course of the long and delicious (if not a bit too spicy in her opinion) meal, she learns that Kiyi has rejected the palace tutors and instead loves going to school at the Royal Fire Academy for Girls, Ursa and her husband, Ikem, have become very involved in the production of plays in Fire Nation theaters, Toph's metalbending academy is a major hit among young earthbenders, and Zuko is overworking himself and still doesn't understand how to handle the infinitely perplexing issues of tariffs and Fire Nation war relief payments. 

The last piece of knowledge isn't really all that new though, as Katara has been aware of Zuko's struggles for awhile. She makes a mental decision to spend the next couple of days reading up on international tariffs and reports on the war relief payments as an effort to ease some of Zuko's stress (and possibly present some promising solutions). 

Overall, dinner is an enjoyable experience that Katara hadn't realized she'd needed until now. She's almost completely allowed her inhibitions to fade by the time dessert arrives in the forms of small spicy molten lava cakes, but an intense surge of panic shoots right back into her when she hears that Kiyi is very excited to accompany her brother to visit their sister the next time he goes. 

Suki flashes her a weighted look across the table, telepathically ordering Katara to do something, and she knows very well that Suki is right.

She _has_ to tell Zuko, and from the looks of it, she has to tell him as soon as possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so... yeah. don't know if the "secret" Katara keeps thinking about is pretty obvious at this point - i hope it isn't but i honestly i don't know. also i'm not sure how old Kiyi really is, but for the sake of this story, she's seven. 
> 
> also, i know that this is supposed to be a Zutara fic (and it is) but it's also about Katara as a character. i know there wasn't much Zuko Katara exchanges during this chapter but it's coming!
> 
> please let me know if you liked this chapter and want to see more, i would really love that!


End file.
